A Computer

So...over at http://www.mckmama.com, MckMama herself has partnered with HP and some blog ppl and is giving away a brand new HP touchscreen computer.  Now I have a computer.  I am very blessed with a wonderful new MacBook Pro laptop...but I know someone who could really use this awesome computer (and who would let me use it too).  What are my chances of winning with like a million MckMama fans drooling over this thing?  I'd say slim to none. But even though this isn't the lottery, which I do not play, I am just going to say "someone has to win, it might as well be me."  Ha ha--so this post is an unashamed effort to win that shiny amazing do-dad.  Sorry I have no other original thoughts to post right now.  Ok so I have a lot of original thoughts to post about, but it's finals week, and I am a junior in college.  I just don't have the time.  What else can I say?

Loving the Law

I have so many things to post about.  My Thanksgiving break was amazing!  I wasn't even aware of how much I needed it, but it turned out to be such a blessing.  However, tonight I am not going to go into all the wonderful things that happened while I was home.  I will come back to that later.  Tonight I want to write about the Bible.  The Bible has intimidated me for some time.  I have gone back and forth for my love for it.  I feel so terrible even writing those words out, but they are true.  I know how wonderful God is; I know in my head that the Bible is Him speaking to us, but I haven't felt it in my heart in a while.  At Bible class tonight I started thinking about what is wrong with me, and I think I figured it out.  The Bible scares me.  It scares me so much so that it's hard to talk about.  I realized it does this to me in two ways.  The Bible is an absolute truth that cannot be ignored.  No matter what I do, where I go, how old I am, or what is going on in my life, the Bible is there, constantly, with The Truth.  That's it.  That's what it is.  Now I love that God is always there.  I have found no greater comfort in my life than knowing that God is there no matter what.  No matter what I am feeling, He is there!  That is so special and wonderful and crazy and tremendous!  I can almost feel a warm touch and Him calming me down sometimes if I choose to take a step back and ask as I should.  But back to the point, it scares me that there is such an absolute truth.  I can't tell you why exactly when it is such a blessing, but it does.  Secondly, I am intimidated by the Bible.  Being at Freed-Hardeman is nothing but a blessing!  I mean that.  I am surrounded by some of the best people in the world, and the teachers are amazing.  I don't know if I would even be near the straight and narrow path if God had not made it possible for me to be here.  Saying that, being surrounded by such knowledgeable individuals is scary too.  I feel as if I'll never be there--I'll never know that much.  Part of me is okay with that because I love reading the Bible with the simplicity of a child and taking it at face value, but to put everything together and the history and families and to truly understand what God is trying to show us, more study and knowledge is required.  And that is scary.  But tonight I also found that feeling of loving God's word again.  I realize I have got to put it at the top of my priority list!  It cannot slip any longer.  This is the time to step up and quit using my fear and intimidation as an excuse to read five verses and feel like I've done my duty for the day.  Not only is reading commanded, but it is a blessing to be literate with not one, not two, but three Bibles sitting in my room.  There is no excuse for choosing not to and no reason to turn down such a blessing.  Okay--so now to the main point of this post (now that's what is scary--I've written this much and am only now getting to why I began writing)... We studied Psalm 119 in class tonight.  This is the longest Psalm and happens to fall directly in the middle of the Bible.  Also, it is an acrostic poem, which apparently means that within a stanza each verse begins with the same Hebrew letter.  Sounds pretty neat to me, even if I don't understand exactly what that means.  I decided to come back to my room and read.  I did not just want to read though, I wanted to meditate, put the words into my heart.  Because I can use this knowledge if it's in my heart, not just in my hand.  I read Psalm 119:1-32.  This passage is amazing!  The entire chapter is speaking of loving God's law.  176 verses on loving God's law!  I mean wow--I really never would have thought.  That is why I needed this so very badly, and why it is so fascinating to me.  For instance, v. 14, "In the way of your testimonies I delight as much as in all riches."  Testimonies=God's law.  So I love God's law as much as I love all my blessings?  Really?  That concept has just taken hold of my heart.  Loving God's law.  Now maybe we say we love God's law, but truly loving it?  That is so groundbreaking, so breathtaking, so transforming.  If I can love God's law the way I love 'riches' or blessings as I am thinking of it, then how could I break it.  In verse 18 it says, "Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law."  I love that as well--asking God to open my eyes that I may see what He wants out of His law.  We all know that His law has a purpose, but how often do we step back and see what that purpose is?  Do we do it often enough?  I know I have always found sincere happiness in realizing God's law has a purpose (like not eating pigs in the Old Testament because they carried diseases), but I have not done this enough.  I am so excited to begin loving the law and all the things God has planned for us.  Finally, verse 11, "I have stored up your word in my heart that I might not sin against you."  I think this says it all.  If we study, meditate, and learn God's word, it achieves so many things, most importantly us showing we love Him by keeping His commandments and loving Him and what He has shown and told us.  Goodnight!

Drained

Tonight I have so many thoughts going through my head.  The past nine days have been really difficult physically and emotionally.  I feel so unbelievably drained.  I don't remember feeling like this in a good long while--I know I have been before, but I always had reasons then.  This time it has snuck up on me.  I got the stomach virus (or something) last Monday and stayed sick through the rest of the week.  I went home and enjoyed myself thoroughly but did not get enough sleep I guess.  An emotional turmoil last night has pushed me over my edge for a lack of better words.  I just feel so drained!  I am happy, but not the kind of happy I was...or the kind of happy I am accustomed to.  I don't like it.  Anyway, I have so much work to do before Friday, and I just don't want to do it.  This isn't me.  Even when I have not wanted to do schoolwork before, I always sat down and did it.  I am the A student.  This semester I am scared literally for the first time in my school career that my GPA will be changing.  I say it's not the end of the world because it's not, but it's also not me.  It doesn't fit my personality.  I don't know what's up.  I guess I'm just drained.

Children

I was watching The Duggars and 18 Kids and Counting tonight on TLC.  I just love that show!  Each and every time I watch it, I think about my future and the children I would like to have.  I have always wanted children, but I always figured it would be two, just two.  That may still be the case, but now I am definitely open to more.  Not more as in 18, but maybe 3 or 4(that's probably still pushing it).  Now my doctor has an opinion, not medical advice, that every person only needs 2 children.  My parents think the same.  But Graham and I both agree 3 is a good number.  I know we're young, and I know we're naive and most people think we're crazy.  And I am okay with that because we will figure out how many we want when that time gets here.  My point with this post is that we are different, especially me.  I picture myself as breastfeeding (if I can stay off my medicine safely for long enough), making my own baby food (not all of it, but as I can), and I know I will use a sling for "babywearing" as it is called by other moms who do it.  I want to stay home for as long as possible.  I would love to work part time until my kids are all in school.  Public school is another thing that Graham and I are not sure about at all, but we shall see.  I cannot wait to be a mom, and I love all these ideas.  Don't get me wrong..I am terrified of being a mom.  I know I will never be ready in all the ways I would like, but I guess no one truly ever is.  I have so many opinions on what I want!  I don't want my kids to get their vaccinations on the normal schedule, and I don't want them to get the chicken pox vaccine at all, ever.  So many people will disagree with me, and I know that will be hard.  But I will do what Graham and I feel is best for our kids because that is what is most important.  I began by mentioning the Duggars because they inspire me.  They are so patient and so kind.  I want those things!  I want to be patient and calm, and I want to teach my children by using those traits.  But that is hard.  I wonder if I'll ever develop those traits enough to pass them on to my children.  I am also inspired by our preacher and his wife.  They have the calmest child.  I want that.  And I love how my two little cousins will interact with anyone. I want to expose my children to the right things so they will have those dispositions.  Perhaps with lots of prayer and working on my own disposition, maybe these things can all happen in time.

A New Day

I am so new to this.  I do not even know what to expect.  I have always looked for a way to journal, and I always have failed.  I don't think this will be a failure.  We'll see.  This blog is for myself.  I don't plan on telling anyone about it (is that defeating the purpose?), but it's mine.  Having said that, I am a college student working on two degrees, I have a serious boyfriend, Graham, and I suffer from ulcerative colitis.  Therefore, this blog will be about my day to day so I can look back and remember.  If anyone ever does read this, I have warned you.  This will probably be boring to anyone but myself.  I think I like it.