Drained

Tonight I have so many thoughts going through my head.  The past nine days have been really difficult physically and emotionally.  I feel so unbelievably drained.  I don't remember feeling like this in a good long while--I know I have been before, but I always had reasons then.  This time it has snuck up on me.  I got the stomach virus (or something) last Monday and stayed sick through the rest of the week.  I went home and enjoyed myself thoroughly but did not get enough sleep I guess.  An emotional turmoil last night has pushed me over my edge for a lack of better words.  I just feel so drained!  I am happy, but not the kind of happy I was...or the kind of happy I am accustomed to.  I don't like it.  Anyway, I have so much work to do before Friday, and I just don't want to do it.  This isn't me.  Even when I have not wanted to do schoolwork before, I always sat down and did it.  I am the A student.  This semester I am scared literally for the first time in my school career that my GPA will be changing.  I say it's not the end of the world because it's not, but it's also not me.  It doesn't fit my personality.  I don't know what's up.  I guess I'm just drained.

Children

I was watching The Duggars and 18 Kids and Counting tonight on TLC.  I just love that show!  Each and every time I watch it, I think about my future and the children I would like to have.  I have always wanted children, but I always figured it would be two, just two.  That may still be the case, but now I am definitely open to more.  Not more as in 18, but maybe 3 or 4(that's probably still pushing it).  Now my doctor has an opinion, not medical advice, that every person only needs 2 children.  My parents think the same.  But Graham and I both agree 3 is a good number.  I know we're young, and I know we're naive and most people think we're crazy.  And I am okay with that because we will figure out how many we want when that time gets here.  My point with this post is that we are different, especially me.  I picture myself as breastfeeding (if I can stay off my medicine safely for long enough), making my own baby food (not all of it, but as I can), and I know I will use a sling for "babywearing" as it is called by other moms who do it.  I want to stay home for as long as possible.  I would love to work part time until my kids are all in school.  Public school is another thing that Graham and I are not sure about at all, but we shall see.  I cannot wait to be a mom, and I love all these ideas.  Don't get me wrong..I am terrified of being a mom.  I know I will never be ready in all the ways I would like, but I guess no one truly ever is.  I have so many opinions on what I want!  I don't want my kids to get their vaccinations on the normal schedule, and I don't want them to get the chicken pox vaccine at all, ever.  So many people will disagree with me, and I know that will be hard.  But I will do what Graham and I feel is best for our kids because that is what is most important.  I began by mentioning the Duggars because they inspire me.  They are so patient and so kind.  I want those things!  I want to be patient and calm, and I want to teach my children by using those traits.  But that is hard.  I wonder if I'll ever develop those traits enough to pass them on to my children.  I am also inspired by our preacher and his wife.  They have the calmest child.  I want that.  And I love how my two little cousins will interact with anyone. I want to expose my children to the right things so they will have those dispositions.  Perhaps with lots of prayer and working on my own disposition, maybe these things can all happen in time.

A New Day

I am so new to this.  I do not even know what to expect.  I have always looked for a way to journal, and I always have failed.  I don't think this will be a failure.  We'll see.  This blog is for myself.  I don't plan on telling anyone about it (is that defeating the purpose?), but it's mine.  Having said that, I am a college student working on two degrees, I have a serious boyfriend, Graham, and I suffer from ulcerative colitis.  Therefore, this blog will be about my day to day so I can look back and remember.  If anyone ever does read this, I have warned you.  This will probably be boring to anyone but myself.  I think I like it.